I haven't blogged in forever because i am a stubborn 5 year old.
I'm a stubborn 5 year old in many ways. but mainly in that I through tamper fits at the thought of growing up. You know like that little girl who just recently got a new baby brother and tries to defy the idea that she can no longer drink out a bottle or steal all of mommy's attention. Thats me. It seriously is a problem and a weird one at that. What kind of person doesn't want to grow up. I've always disliked the idea of growing up. Seriously I planned my life and I had it stopping at 18. My senior year of highschool was everything I was looking forward to. I didn't even put a thought to what would happen after that it was just a black abyss. Well my senior year came and went. Just like that. Everything I'd been planning for rapidly sped past me. I was left having to make decisions on where I would go to college. I had no idea what I wanted. I never wanted to think about what would come next. the fact that I would soon no longer get to use the excuse that I was a teenager and didn't know better. Or that I wasn't going to be able to use my parents as an excuse to cop out of going to things I didn't want to go to. So I ignored the idea of what I wanted after my senior year. I picked a college that wasn't memphis cause I knew I didn't want that. To be honest I wasn't very excited. I loved the summer before freshman year at UT. It was like a heavenly limbo. I got to act like a big kid with a little more freedom yet I was still that little kid who lived at home. Then all the fun stopped and it hit me like a ton of bricks the night before I left for knoxville. I was leaving home. I wasn't going to be a daily part of my families routine. I couldn't come home with my good test grade just to get that approving smile from my mommy. No i was about to drive 6 hours away from the only city I had ever known to go to a school where I only knew a handful of people. I was going to have to suck it up be a big kid and make myself meet people. I bawled that night. While other kids were bouncing off the walls with excitement of leaving home I was clinging to every last moment of staying home. Don't get me wrong I was excited about leaving but I was terrified about the unknown. Was I going to make friends. Was school going to be really hard. Would I make good grades. Would I gain the freshman fifteen. Would I find some place where I fit in. It was a lot to mentally picture and I seemed to see it all the night before I left. I was that little 5 year old girl sitting in her bedroom with her old princess dress on not wanting to take it off for anything or anyone.
Today I'm still that little five year old girl but a little less dramatic. I love college. I love the idea of growing up. I made friends. I found a place where I fit in. School wasn't hard. I succeeded more than my expectations. It is funny how much a year can change a person. I know I'm still the same girl in many ways but I've started to be more rational about life. Sure from time to time I still freak out about growing up but I've realized that it is an adventure that shouldn't continue with kicking and screaming. I still stubbornly don't like to think about growing up henceforth the lack of blog-age. It's funny how much writing down your thoughts helps you to see the big picture and make sense of the things emotions tend to muddify. (i know lots of unreal words in this post) I find myself not writing when I don't want to think about anything. For example if I have a relationship that needs fixing and it will most likely end up taking a turn that decreases that friendship I stop writing I stop thinking about it and try and go back to being a 5 year old. A five year old who doesn't have to worry about little arguments and just continues to dance in the sun though the storm is about to come. I like being an ostrich who sticks her head in the sand in hopes that everything will just work itself out. Like if i close my eyes everything will go away because I can't see it. Yet, at some point I slowly lift my head out of the sand and notice that everything is still the same just intensified because I let time build up behind it. My daddy taught me to think and for that I am seriously extremely grateful. I really have come to understand just how much he taught me that I really just didn't grasp till now. I feel like because of my parents and the way they raised me I'm at sometimes a lot more mature than many of the people my age. Its like they cursed me with the ability to actually think through things while other freshman just live up being in college. It's a blessing and a curse but mostly just a blessing...I just can't use the excuse but I'm young and in college because my parents taught me better.
i guess i'm writing this to admit I hate growing up. I don't like making big decisions. I don't like not being a little kid anymore. That at times I wish I could go back and be that little girl who liked to steal all her parents attention. Yet, that as I grow older these things become less scary. That I'm learning and God is showing me that there is soo much more to come. That though one chapter is closed he is opening and working on a new chapter that will be more enthralling than the other. So I'm learning to love growing up. To love change. To love being the big sister who gets to come home and spoil her younger siblings. The big sister who no longer selfishly grabs at mom and dads attention but tries to be a better example. To love the idea of making it on my own.
So fellow bloggers I'm back. I will be more consistent because this year I will not ignore the big decisions. I will not ignore being a grown up. I will take my princess dress off and put it in a box to remember the chapter behind me and look forward to the chapter that is being written.
